July 5th, 2011

We were planning on getting someone to watch Pen the morning of the ultrasound but because she seemed like she was getting sick, we didn't want to risk spreading it to someone else.

Jona met me immediately after work and we drove down to Glendale Adventist for our ultrasound. We joked around and talked about the baby and laughed about what our doctor would think if he walked in the room and Jona was on the exam table instead of me :) Yep, my husband's sense of humor is bizarre.

We made some small talk with the OB and got ready to see our baby. I was almost immediately encouraged because the sac looked beautifully round and was much bigger than last week, or so I thought. My heart instantly broke in to a million pieces when I heard him say "the baby doesn't have a heart beat". We sat silently and tears streamed down our faces as he looked and looked and didn't say much. He kept telling me to hold my breath so he could get a clearer picture. I'm pretty sure I set a world record trying to be perfectly still. Even Penny was silent for a good 10 to 15 minutes.

I never thought we'd go through that. I never thought we'd lose our baby.

I can't tell you how much I hate hearing the statistics of how often a miscarriage takes place. I don't care if I'm "in the norm" or if 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It shouldn't be normal. It's a little, precious life that's been lost. It is certainly not normal.

Our doctor gave us his sincere condolences and told us that he felt we needed to have a D&C within the next couple of days. Even that same day if we could. We asked him if we could wait and he said yes, but only a couple of days.

I don't remember how it came about but I told him my ears were really hurting. He checked them, found that I had a double ear infection, prescribed be antibiotics and sent us on our way. Even that was such a blessing that my OB took time out to care for my ears so I wouldn't have to go into a walk in clinic in the middle of all of this.

We each called our parents and cried with them and asked if they would tell our siblings. We headed back to SCV. We asked a friend to take Pen for the day and we just got back to the house and slept for the rest of the afternoon. I don't think it had quite sunk in yet.

Penny was dropped off that night and our friend Janel, who had been watching her, told us she hadn't eaten much and still had a bit of a fever. Just like the night before, Penny laid on my chest and didn't move for hours.

I started realizing how hot she was and I noticed her breathing was becoming really shallow. We tried to give her a shower to cool her off and she just screamed and screamed.

We called our pediatrician and were told we should probably take her into the ER. Another God thing was that we had just switched insurance and have to find a new pediatrician. Even with them knowing that they spent a lot of time on the phone with me and helped us with Pen. I thought that was pretty cool.

It kills me to say I finally noticed how miserable she was. I know there was a lot going on but I don't know how I didn't realize she was acting so lethargic and sickly.

We took her right in and God again showed us His kindness and mercy. We didn't even wait 20 minutes before they triaged her and learned even after several doses of medicine she still had a 105 temp.

For those precious parents whose children are in and out of the hospital with heart breaking illness and disease, my heart goes out to you. There is nothing more painful then holding down your screaming little baby while they poke and prod and test them. Pen and I cried together.

The doctor's and nurses were wonderful and they let me hold her the entire time. In the wee hours of the next morning the test results came back and we found out she had pneumonia and a double ear infection. It was enough to make her pretty sick but I was so grateful it wasn't more serious. Again, God's blessing.

Wednesday was spent taking care of Pen and me driving around to pre-op appointments for my D&C that we scheduled for Thursday.

My incredible inlaws flew home early from their vacation to help take care of Penny. My sister in law helped with Pen and cooked us a meal. Have I mentioned I love my inlaws?

Thursday was hard. So hard. I really struggled with the surgery. I didn't want it, I was so scared and I was just beginning to realize the truth of what had happened.

However, God continued to bless. My nurse was so so sweet. I'm almost certain she was a Christian. The woman in the bed next to us had her husband reading outloud to her. We quickly realized it was The Gospel According to Jesus. How cool huh?

I don't really remember anything about the rest of the day, because apparently they drugged me pretty good afterwards. To me, this is also a major blessing since I don't remember I don't have to keep thinking about it over and over again.

It's been 3 days. The Johnson's have taken care of Penny who is doing SO much better. Jona and I have spent every minute together. All we have done is eat, sleep, watch movies, talk, cry, pray, laugh. It has been such a sweet time. I miss Pen so much and I can't wait to get back to caring for her, but this time with Jona has been an unexpected blessing. I love him more than I ever thought possible. He is an incredible man and I can't stop thanking God for the gift that he is!

I'm hurting, both physically and emotionally. I didn't expect the recovery to be so hard. Night time is the hardest. Im not sure if it's the painkillers or what but every time I close my eyes I have nightmares about our little baby. It has probably been the hardest thing of all.

Another way God has blessed is through people. We have so many hurting with us and praying for us it's overwhelming. I've gotten hundreds of notes and messages, some from people I've never met. It's incredible how God has blessed and encouraged us through so many of you. It has been shocking to read the number of women that I know who have been through miscarriages. You would never ever know. I feel like I walk around and its written on my face. I do believe in a God that heals and I long to get to the point where I have healed some.

I hope it wasn't inappropriate for me to share in such detail. I know that so many have gone through heartache so much deeper. Whether it is infertility or several miscarriages or stillbirths, I take such comfort in knowing God is the God of them all and that He is good in ALL that HE does.

I miss my little one. It's like there is a huge empty space where my baby was. I wish I knew the gender and that we could name it. I can't wait to meet our darling baby in Heaven.

I read this quote a couple of nights ago and I've read it so many times I've memorized it...

"Dry, then, your tears, and cease to mourn, you saints of God.

They are “not lost, but gone before.” Their spirits live with Jesus.

And when He comes, He will bring them with Him,

and you shall see and know them with a cloudless sight and a perfect knowledge."

Octavius Winslow

Thank you again for your kindness and your prayers. It is impossible to miss how God has cared for us through this. He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.