I got to a place where I felt so angry I just wanted to run away from everything and never come back either that or kill everyone (that was a joke :)). I was desperately seeking to take control of my life when all I needed to do was relinquish control. I know this all sounds rather dramatic, but truthfully, it was pretty awful.
God used so many different things to break me over and over again. My precious husband, my parents, my in-laws, HIS WORD... He took away things and people that I valued so highly and replaced them with Himself. It has been painful, but its also been incredibly sweet.
It was really interesting for a while. I felt so incredibly alone for a several weeks, which was weird. My husband is never too busy to listen or to hold me but I just couldn't communicate my heart to him. I also have some of the most sympathetic, kind, selfless friends and I felt like I just couldn't get them to help me. Not for their lack of trying, but just because I felt like I couldn't connect. One dear friend in particular kept pointing me to where I needed to repent and I would just say, "I know, but I really need you to help me fix this". It finally occurred to me that Christ was the only one that could fix this stuff and He was graciously finding ways to point me back to Him every time I looked toward myself or others.
I think a lot of my sin has been/is being revealed, and I'm so thankful for it (not the sin, the revelation). I have been really overwhelmed trying to sort through my emotions and the sin in my heart, but I have been reminded time and time again that focusing on the cross and on my Savior is the only way to shed the sin, anger and pride that I've allowed to take over my heart.
I know that this is pretty heavy, but I just wanted to share a little bit of where I've been. God is so good, isn't He? I'm so excited to be in Heaven with Him someday away from the pain of this life! In the meantime, I will rejoice in the many blessings He has given!
Even Especially the cute, whiny little baby who keeps snotting on my shirt. :)
Penny's First Birthday and Favorite Things post coming up...