Last week as we were getting Penny in the car for church, I'm pretty sure that I set my journal and Bible on top of the car. I always have a ton of stuff and I had my breakfast in my hands too so I think that I must have just forgotten to get the journal and Bible off of the car and we just took off.
When we were sitting in the service I asked Jona if he knew where they were and immediately I had this sinking feeling, knowing what I had done. We looked and looked and even redrove the route but we couldn't find them anywhere.
As bad as it sounds, I was far more concerned about the journal than I was the Bible. The Bible was just a random one that we had and I hadn't written notes in it, I figured it could be easily replaced and whoever had the old one (Mr. Hitchhiker) would hopefully be better off because of it. I can't say the same about the journal. I was SO SAD.
I've been writing in that journal for over a year. I found out I was pregnant with Penny and I wrote all my thoughts over the course of the pregnancy. The night before she was born, both Jona and I wrote her notes that we hoped she would read some day.
I would say this last year was by far the hardest year of my entire life. I cried many times while writing in that journal. I wrote while I was in labor with Pen and I wrote her notes after she had been born. I don't know, maybe people won't understand, but to me it was such a precious treasure. I can honestly say that I value that journal more than any other material possession that I own.
Anyway... It's lost. I wrote about it on Facebook and received several sweet and sympathetic comments from friends and other mom's who totally understood the significance of it. As I was reading their comments, there was a couple who said, "maybe someone will find your journal and get saved through what they read there." I'll be honest, I about choked when I read that. Not because it was stupid in the least bit, but because it convicted me so much.
I started thinking about what I had written. If some random person (Mr. Hitchhiker) picked it up on the side of the road, what would they learn about me? Here are some things I came up with...
1. They would see that I love Penny
2. They would see that I love Jona
3. They would see that I can sometimes be impatient with Penny or angry with Jona for selfish and completely insignificant reasons.
4. They would learn that I hate exercising and dieting.
5. They would learn that I love my friends Rachel, Michelle, Beth and Lisa and that I wanted to be more like them.
6. They would learn how much I miss Washington and my family
7. They would read about the people I struggle with and they would learn that I am rarely content in my circumstances.
8. Maybe they would, every so often, see sermon notes or maybe even a spiritual quote that hit me here or there.
That's about it. That's what they would learn about me. Then they would probably burn it because they wouldn't want anyone else to read about how neurotic I am :)
But in all seriousness, they would learn about ME. Every single statement is about me. If they became a Christian through this loss it would have to be solely because of the Bible with the journal. The point is, they would learn nothing about who God is. It made me kind of sick to think about.
My journal contains my most intimate and emotional thoughts, few of which are about my Lord and Savior. I isolate my devotions (when I have them) to think about God during that time, but it doesn't often permeate the rest of my thoughts or struggles or joys.
I'm not sure that I am thankful that I lost my journal, but I am thankful for the lesson it taught me. It was such a humbling lesson. My sweet sister Julie bought me a new journal. I'm excited to fill this one up with my thoughts and who knows, when I'm done maybe I can dump it somewhere on the side of the road for Mr. Hitchhiker to get the rest of the story.