There is so much joy in my heart as I write this blog post! We have been praying for this day for a while and it is so so kind of the Lord that it has come to fruition!
We are about 6 weeks pregnant and are so so SO EXCITED! I honestly think there is more joy in the announcement of this pregnancy than there was with Penny's. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled to find out we were pregnant with Pen and with the last baby, but I think that the Lord taught us so much through these last couple of years of trying to conceive that this pregnancy is just that much sweeter.
We have had a little (very little, compared to some) bit of a journey in trying to conceive another baby. Its not really something I have ever blogged about because lets face it, its kinda awkward. It is also weird to talk about trying to have a 2nd baby. It was something I felt so self conscious about. I already have one sweet baby, why did I feel like I needed another? It felt so selfish, or even "wasteful" when it came to prayer but I think I was starting to learn that it is not at all wrong to desire more children, its how you deal with that desire.
I failed time and time again. I was angry month after month of negative pregnancy tests and fertility drugs. I cried and moped through most milestones that we would have had with the baby we lost and then, through honest, loving friends, God convicted and changed my heart. I think it stopped being an obsession and I think it just became a healthy desire.
These last few months I have been inundated with blogs, articles, pictures and stories of adoption. I started wondering if I had been wasting all of this time and energy in trying to have another baby instead of trying to adopt another baby (or child).
I started praying about it and talking to Jona about the possibility of us pursuing adoption and we came up with a date that we would begin the process of paperwork. We had also decided that we needed to take a break TTC (trying to conceive). The drugs and the constant testing and treatments were really starting to take a toll on my body and we felt like we needed to take a break. I was literally headed into my OB/GYN appointment the next day to tell our doctor we needed to stop when I found out I was pregnant.
I woke up really early a couple of weeks ago and decided to take a pregnancy test. I waited for a good 15 minutes and the test was faulty. Nothing showed up. I prayed that the Lord would give me joy in spite of the probably negative test and I rolled over and fell back asleep. When I woke up a couple of hours later I leaned over and looked at the test and there were TWO LINES!! I ran into the bathroom and took another test and just bawled my eyes out when I saw that it was also positive. I still had that appointment the next day and so without telling Jona, I went in for an ultrasound and blood work. Later that night with a ultrasound pic in hand, I told my sweet husband that I was pregnant.
I have prayed that we would not be nervous or waste this time worried that we will lose this baby and not fully enjoy this gift that we have been entrusted with. We have had two ultrasounds and although it is still really early, the doctor says things are looking good! I can honestly say that I trust that even if the Lord does take this baby we will know that God is still good. As painful as it was (and as strange as it may sound), our miscarriage was one of the best things that could have happened to our marriage. God changed us through that time and we fell more deeply in love (with each other and with the Lord) than I could have imagined.
We are still considering if we have been called to adopt, or even how to help support that ministry of others. In the meantime, I cannot wait for this baby to change us and to grow us! I can't wait to snuggle and kiss and love this baby! The Lord truly is kind in what He has taught us through giving and through taking away (and through giving again). :)